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Description
Listen to this!: [link]
I've gotten requests for Sara and Benjamin's first kiss, and here it is; on the roof early in the morning of her birthday. He gives her the promise ring his father gave to his mother as a present.
EDIT: if it doesn't show, download it.
EDIT #2: Thank you for all of your kind comments! If you'd like to read more of my story, please follow The Paper Stars on Wattpad: [link]
EDIT #3: I know I spelled 'lose' wrong somewhere in there, but it's too much of a hassle to fix a PDF file.
I've gotten requests for Sara and Benjamin's first kiss, and here it is; on the roof early in the morning of her birthday. He gives her the promise ring his father gave to his mother as a present.
EDIT: if it doesn't show, download it.
EDIT #2: Thank you for all of your kind comments! If you'd like to read more of my story, please follow The Paper Stars on Wattpad: [link]
EDIT #3: I know I spelled 'lose' wrong somewhere in there, but it's too much of a hassle to fix a PDF file.
© 2011 - 2024 HennaFaunway
Comments314
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Overall Vision Originality Technique ImpactWell, I apologize in advance for my use of English, I'm still working on it.
To a start, your work can still be polished a bit, but it combines quite beautifuly the innocence of the youth with the philosophy of both restless and restful minds. This leads us to a problem, for there comes a point in the text in wich you switch from the voice of one of the characters to your own, I believe. This voice change not only leads to missunderstanding but kills the beauty of the idea of that the whole philosophic background may belong to the girl herself.
This can be solved, in my view, by using a space to split the lover's situation from the life's 'advice' you start developing next.
At the end of the play, you also overkill it with the sentence 'take it from someone who knows' or something like that. I believe that this shows a bit of ego exess, and it may not be taken possitively. (I partially didn't myself) Maybe you can find a way to end it giving it your touch of experience without 'selling yourself' as egocentric.
I believe, non-the-whise, that you are showing a delightful feeling to us all and a quite good understanding of the youth, but I still insist that you may try not to overkil it.
Great work. Go on!