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What Would You Say? by HennaLucas What Would You Say? by HennaLucas

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Listen to this!: [link]

I've gotten requests for Sara and Benjamin's first kiss, and here it is; on the roof early in the morning of her birthday. He gives her the promise ring his father gave to his mother as a present.

EDIT: if it doesn't show, download it. :)

EDIT #2: Thank you for all of your kind comments! If you'd like to read more of my story, please follow The Paper Stars on Wattpad: [link]

EDIT #3: I know I spelled 'lose' wrong somewhere in there, but it's too much of a hassle to fix a PDF file.
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:iconlivia-grace:
I really enjoyed reading this: did you write it as an original piece of art? this is the most eloquently written pile words i've ever seen/read. Please, as a favor to me, can you publish this? It's amazing! I also love you]r drawings of Scorpius, Rose, and Albus, as well as Ivy and Remus. I truly want to be exactly like you in all the artistic things you do. I am writing a book my self and am inspired by this piece of writing and your art. I want to congratulate you on your artistic writing and drawing skills and predict a famous future for you if you continue. Good luck! (I don't think you'll need it that much)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
15 out of 17 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconmnisacha:
Well, I apologize in advance for my use of English, I'm still working on it.

To a start, your work can still be polished a bit, but it combines quite beautifuly the innocence of the youth with the philosophy of both restless and restful minds. This leads us to a problem, for there comes a point in the text in wich you switch from the voice of one of the characters to your own, I believe. This voice change not only leads to missunderstanding but kills the beauty of the idea of that the whole philosophic background may belong to the girl herself.

This can be solved, in my view, by using a space to split the lover's situation from the life's 'advice' you start developing next.


At the end of the play, you also overkill it with the sentence 'take it from someone who knows' or something like that. I believe that this shows a bit of ego exess, and it may not be taken possitively. (I partially didn't myself) Maybe you can find a way to end it giving it your touch of experience without 'selling yourself' as egocentric.

I believe, non-the-whise, that you are showing a delightful feeling to us all and a quite good understanding of the youth, but I still insist that you may try not to overkil it.

Great work. Go on!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
9 out of 15 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconsarahmyriacarter:
SarahMyriaCarter Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2015  Professional Writer
Do you do point commissions?
Reply
:iconhennalucas:
HennaLucas Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2015  Student Writer
Unfortunately, no: only real money.
Reply
:iconstarfoxpro:
StarfoxPro Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
:star: revamp:star: revamp:star: revamp:star: revamp:star: revamp Beautiful, marvelous, and heartwarming. I'd really like to see more work like this. Simply spectacular! The last two paragraphs were true and inspirational, it made my day, thank you. ^-^
Reply
:icondrawji:
drawji Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
ahhh romantic
Reply
:iconrainbowdaughter:
RainbowDaughter Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That last paragraph...... this is amazing!
Reply
:iconhennalucas:
HennaLucas Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you very much!
Reply
:iconrainbowdaughter:
RainbowDaughter Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome :)
Reply
:iconserroma18:
serroma18 Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2013  Student Writer
I'm sitting here thinking like "...how did this make me feel?" I gotta admit that I really wanted you to drag it out a little more and let the emotions dance within my heart...like play with me a little more! Then I realized that is the hopeless romantic in me. Thanks for sharing!
Reply
:iconciriajacobs:
CiriaJacobs Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2013
Do you take requests? Because I really need to request on for my wattpad story...
Reply
:iconneonmyth:
NeonMyth Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2013
Beautiful.
Reply
:iconelena-landry:
elena-landry Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
BOOM WHATCHA SAYYYYYY Mn agi walamin way
Reply
:iconwinterlover29:
WinterLover29 Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
That is amazing.
Reply
:iconhennalucas:
HennaLucas Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Student Writer
Thanks!
Reply
:iconfredrama:
fredrama Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013
:') Shed a bit of a tear here. GAH! If only...
Reply
:iconfight4watsright:
fight4watsright Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012
omg thats the most amazeing story ive ever read in my entire life!
Reply
:iconhennalucas:
HennaLucas Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Student Writer
aw, thanks! It's my own novel :)
Reply
:iconfight4watsright:
fight4watsright Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012
so incredible wow the story is amazeing im like omg! in the morning when my family wakes im introduceing all of them to ur novel omg!
Reply
:iconfireblaze211:
fireblaze211 Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2012
O.O..........
Reply
:iconclarycat99:
clarycat99 Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012
Very professionally written and breathtakingly beautiful. I could see the whole thing happening in my mind. You've really done well here this. "Painting a picture with you words" as I like to say. This is really phenomenal. :)
Reply
:iconthat-person-42:
that-person-42 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
this is really nice,.
Reply
:iconmikulover244:
mikulover244 Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
CUTE
Reply
:icononlyheretobehere:
OnlyHereToBeHere Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
looks like Ginny Weasley
Reply
:iconravensong17:
ravensong17 Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
oh my gosh!!! this is soooo touching <3 :love:
Reply
:iconxxmeaganxx:
xxMeaganxx Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Okay, so I was just browsing under the "Discover" thing, and this came up. I read it without any knowledge of the background story or anything and let me just say that this is fantastic. I haven't read anything with this sort of style and I adore it. It's seriously amazing.
C:
Reply
:icongryffgirl:
Gryffgirl Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2012
Heartfelt and beautiful. :heart:
Reply
:iconsunghyunku:
sunghyunku Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
how did you put the story into this format? could anyone who knows tell me how?
Reply
:iconloza-muse:
Loza-Muse Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Upload the file instead of just copying the text ^^
Reply
:icondrjava:
DRJaVa Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2012
Oh My GOD .. you don't know how much your words touched my soul and affected me deeply .. THANK YOU! ..
Reply
:iconvertfey:
VertFey Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2012
So um I can't get the link to work and really want to read this story.
Reply
:iconpeytonjune:
PeytonJune Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2012
Beautiful!
Reply
:iconbebedahl92:
bebedahl92 Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2012
Oh...sorry...I just noticed your edit #3....haha...sorry again...
Reply
:iconbebedahl92:
bebedahl92 Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2012
This is beautiful...great writing...I want to read more....
Could I please suggest one thing? Can you change the word "loose" (these pants are loose) to the word "lose" (I don't want to lose you).....(sorry...I always see the spelling mistakes and such....please don't be upset at me for this...)
Reply
:iconxbronzeflowerx:
XBronzeflowerX Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
this is my favorite writing from you! it makes me curious, though. do the emotions and scenery come purely from your head or do you base them off true events that you lived through?
Reply
:iconseabird15:
seabird15 Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2012
It was beautiful, and it made my day :)
Reply
:iconlennyleonardo:
LennyLeonardo Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2012  Student General Artist
brilliant
Reply
:iconddrawers96:
ddrawers96 Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You should definitley draw a picture to go with this scene........ I know it would be amazing. I assume that you read John Green given your drawing of Hazel Grace, so I hope you will be flattered when I tell you that the last part of this excerpt is VERY John Green-esque. Absolutely Beautiful...... :D
Reply
:iconxbronzeflowerx:
XBronzeflowerX Featured By Owner May 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
screw nicholas sparks! i have peibee-an-jay!! <3
Reply
:iconhennalucas:
HennaLucas Featured By Owner May 4, 2012  Student Writer
:iconimegacameplz:
Reply
:iconlivia-grace:
livia-grace Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
so awesome!!! im such a nerd and i read a ton of books, but this is the best thing i have ever read!!! please please please write more!!!
Reply
:iconhennalucas:
HennaLucas Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2012  Student Writer
aw, thank you :)
Reply
:iconkiara-vestigium:
Kiara-Vestigium Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
hey!
I always love this piece - it makes me feel happy and some other things I can't describe. I just read it again after many moons. You know those happy, joyous moments which you should never ever forget in your live are called "moments of being". I think this describes them pretty well. The moment in which you are for a change and not only live your live like every other day.
Just popped into my mind when I red it again :)

Have a nice day
Reply
:iconbatangpintor:
BatangPintor Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
love love love it
Reply
:iconsarahrider:
sarahrider Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2011
i thought it was ron and hermione first, cuz it looks like them in the pic! XD LIKE REALLY LOOKS LIKE THEM! CURLY BROWN HAIRED GIRL, AND GINGER FRECKLED GUY! XDXDXD
Reply
:iconchinnagadu:
chinnagadu Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
super bro i loved it :)
Reply
:iconnalamoon:
NalaMoon Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
This is just so beautiful, i'm glad I decided to read it :)
Reply
:iconhennalucas:
HennaLucas Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2011  Student Writer
aww, thank you!
Reply
:iconmiss-artist:
Miss-Artist Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Beautiful ♥
I love how you write. (:
Reply
:iconhennalucas:
HennaLucas Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2011  Student Writer
aw, thanks!
Reply
:iconmiss-artist:
Miss-Artist Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
no problem. (:
Reply
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July 16, 2011
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