Shop More Submit  Join Login
×

Featured in Collections

Literature by brazilianhorse

Literature by unistar2000


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
July 16, 2011
File Size
41.3 KB
Submitted with
Sta.sh
Link
Thumb
Embed

Stats

Views
56,681 (7 today)
Favourites
1,887 (who?)
Comments
306
Downloads
1,852 (1 today)
×
What Would You Say? by HennaLucas What Would You Say? by HennaLucas

It appears you don't have PDF support in this web browser. Download PDF

Listen to this!: [link]

I've gotten requests for Sara and Benjamin's first kiss, and here it is; on the roof early in the morning of her birthday. He gives her the promise ring his father gave to his mother as a present.

EDIT: if it doesn't show, download it. :)

EDIT #2: Thank you for all of your kind comments! If you'd like to read more of my story, please follow The Paper Stars on Wattpad: [link]

EDIT #3: I know I spelled 'lose' wrong somewhere in there, but it's too much of a hassle to fix a PDF file.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconlivia-grace:
I really enjoyed reading this: did you write it as an original piece of art? this is the most eloquently written pile words i've ever seen/read. Please, as a favor to me, can you publish this? It's amazing! I also love you]r drawings of Scorpius, Rose, and Albus, as well as Ivy and Remus. I truly want to be exactly like you in all the artistic things you do. I am writing a book my self and am inspired by this piece of writing and your art. I want to congratulate you on your artistic writing and drawing skills and predict a famous future for you if you continue. Good luck! (I don't think you'll need it that much)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
14 out of 16 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconmnisacha:
Well, I apologize in advance for my use of English, I'm still working on it.

To a start, your work can still be polished a bit, but it combines quite beautifuly the innocence of the youth with the philosophy of both restless and restful minds. This leads us to a problem, for there comes a point in the text in wich you switch from the voice of one of the characters to your own, I believe. This voice change not only leads to missunderstanding but kills the beauty of the idea of that the whole philosophic background may belong to the girl herself.

This can be solved, in my view, by using a space to split the lover's situation from the life's 'advice' you start developing next.


At the end of the play, you also overkill it with the sentence 'take it from someone who knows' or something like that. I believe that this shows a bit of ego exess, and it may not be taken possitively. (I partially didn't myself) Maybe you can find a way to end it giving it your touch of experience without 'selling yourself' as egocentric.

I believe, non-the-whise, that you are showing a delightful feeling to us all and a quite good understanding of the youth, but I still insist that you may try not to overkil it.

Great work. Go on!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
9 out of 14 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:icondrawji:
drawji Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
ahhh romantic
Reply
Flagged as Spam
:iconrainbowdaughter:
RainbowDaughter Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That last paragraph...... this is amazing!
Reply
:iconhennalucas:
HennaLucas Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you very much!
Reply
:iconrainbowdaughter:
RainbowDaughter Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome :)
Reply
:iconserroma18:
serroma18 Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2013  Student Writer
I'm sitting here thinking like "...how did this make me feel?" I gotta admit that I really wanted you to drag it out a little more and let the emotions dance within my heart...like play with me a little more! Then I realized that is the hopeless romantic in me. Thanks for sharing!
Reply
:iconciriajacobs:
CiriaJacobs Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Do you take requests? Because I really need to request on for my wattpad story...
Reply
:iconneonmyth:
NeonMyth Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2013
Beautiful.
Reply
:iconelena-landry:
elena-landry Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
BOOM WHATCHA SAYYYYYY Mn agi walamin way
Reply
:iconwinterlover29:
WinterLover29 Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
That is amazing.
Reply
Add a Comment: